Nyathina
Rumor has it that this is my last mother’s day as a ‘mother to a child’…I’m a bit shook; for many reasons. Next year ‘we’ shall hyphenate it to “adult-child”. And because of that, I’ve been asked “Nooowww, what are you going to do?” “Aki, you need to find somebody” “Are you ready to be an empty nester?”
The nest was for eggs…we flew out already…a long long time ago.
The empty nest, at least on this side of the globe, since around 1913, implied that the only purpose of a woman is to birth and ‘raise’. And God forbid you are not ‘spoken for’….the woiye questions begin to flood in and now I’m also fighting the question of ‘enyewe now what will happen?’ I’m feeling somehow.
Me I’m trying to get out of this "nest” and enjoy my about to be deliciously ambiguous life while forever being a mother as I try to ‘unmother’ myself. #AminaJasho #UnmotheringTheWoman. I have no plans because I’m busy trying to be as present as possible with the time I have left in the ‘nest’.
Our society expects that you back off your teen boy’s life very early on, lest he become a mama’s boy. According to the urban dictionary, and many other social dictionaries, on this sosho media streets, this is not a good label. It sounds like a disease, “a boy or man who is excessively influenced by or attached to his mother.”
The problem with this ‘mama’s boy’ phobia is that mothers are not allowed to freely show affection to their sons but somehow we are expected to ‘raise’ gentlemen without the unconditional love of a mother/grandmother/auntie. We are expected to teach them how to behave; and on this continent, we are pushed to teach them to carefully move around so as not to startle people that would terrorize them if they don’t conform to their mediocre standards. A kind of parenting that is geared purely for survival.
It takes a village and at the center of each village the feminine energy is the nucleus that allows the selective passage of all the goodness a human needs.
The character development that motherhood in America can dish out….wueh….not a joke (read ‘when they see us’). There are structures in place that can be so suffocating that getting out is something worth looking forward to.
There is a body of knowledge/literacy that a parent needs in each society to parent smoothly. America is no different. Being in between cultures with your support system so far away across the ocean can be stressful not just for parents but for our children. “..to understand more than the surface meanings of words, we have to understand the context as well” #E.D.Hirsh. We don’t know what we don’t know. The problem with this ignorance when it comes to parenting, is that it can manifest in ways that cannot be articulated well enough for the appropriate help to be sought. The standardization of ‘modern life’ can also be alienating. Halafu we start performing to fit in and kill the creativity that can only be nurtured in authenticity.
By the time our children are ‘adults’, they have witnessed bad acting, identity crisis, and othering. Third culture kids are mighty special. The way they navigate their 3 cultures is unmatched. Getting out of this ‘nest’ is actually sounding really good.
“..we had to give up the familiar and enter a world that seemed cold and strange, not our world…” #BellHooks.
So as my teen takes his next AMAZING trip around THIS DAY’S SUN I pray that God continues to bless his village and add more loving people to it. I’m forever his momma, mummy, mum (not bruh…that one I refuse). I’m a little too excited that we can get out of the school system that makes very little sense to me. Even with teachers giving their best, I wonder if we got it right. Both teachers and students seem overworked, traumatized and trapped in a space that goes against their chi. We have been rewarding obedience and failed to spark the unique genius in each. I’m looking forward to creating alternative spaces outside of ‘the nest’.
Super grateful to my amazing village. They step in and step up in subtle but super significant ways that cannot be quantified
On this my 17th mother’s day, my plea is that we each think of ways to create spaces that are as nurturing as a mother’s love.
To all the mothers and others feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed or weirdly whelmed by things we cannot even utter, may you give yourself permission to feel all your feels as you drift down your stream into a more blissful space. Do it YOUR way for as long as you are alive.
Tinda…